A Little Russian Boy

Oi Bebes,

On November 20th in my last post I wrote that my agency had called me a couple of times and I didn't feel like calling them back because I didn't want to hear any bad news. Well, when I finally did get in touch with Kathy she asked me if I would consider a 5 year old Russian boy. I always promised myself I would take my first referral regardless of age, race, or gender. I did take it. I was sick to my stomach for a few days mulling him over in my head. He was ill and he needed extensive plastic surgery. Even as I write this my eyes are filling up with tears for this child. Could he had been your brother? Oh yeah he could have been. Could I have afforded his medical bills? No way. Should I have taken him in because of the promise I made to myself? No, I shouldn't have because my agency is fully aware of what kind of kids I requested and from where. I didn't pick Brazil because I threw a dart at a map. I picked Brazil for so many reasons, some very deep and some very practical. Plus, I'm so used to you guys, to the idea of you guys. I know that God sent that boy my way because it was a test in honesty with myself. I am finally aware of the fact that I am not Wonder Woman. I would have never been able to support a household and emotionally and financially support a sick child while working full time. Believe me if I had the money I'd have done it in a heart beat. I've never played the lotto so much in my life than since I started this adoption process...When I win every dime will go to orphaned children. Every dime.

I want us to pray for our little 5 year old Russian boy:

Dear God, please watch over this little boy and please let him find a forever family that will love and care for him the way he or any child deserves to be cared for. Please let him live a peaceful life and please let his emotional and physical pain subside and his days become bright and filled with hope.

As always bebes, please ask God to connect and please ask Him fix this mess with the Hague Convention. Amen.

(I'm writing a seperate post on the Hague)

Muito Amor
Mommy

Another Meeting and the Mountains

Oi Bebes,

I spent 4 beautiful days in the Great Smoky Mountains with Aunt Laura. It was a nice trip, hiking around, being so high up, kinda like I was in heaven. I went there because I wanted to feel closer to my mother, grandma Rosie. It's like she's around me in the mountains, her and God. It's almost a year, on November 28, it will be a year that she's gone. I miss her so much there are no words to describe how bad I feel. I want to thank you bebes for getting me over the initial shock of losing my mother. I was kept incredibly busy doing things for the adoption and you both filled a void in my heart. It hurts me that I can't do the same thing for you both right now. I just want to bring you home to Glendale and love you and cherish you and give you security and teach you everything I know. When I was in the mountains I thought about you both constantly and how you might feel being coddled by the sky, the woods, the clouds. I've attached a picture of the cabin that Aunt Laura and I stayed at, and I thought about you guys on the deck (well, actually climbing down it and it made me nervous! lol). Soon though, one day I'll bring you there and after all day of hiking we'll start a little fire, lean back in the jacuzzi, and relax in each others arms -- we'll be a family, albeit a tired one!

Another meeting is set for Monday November 24 in Rio. I truly hope that the meeting will actually take place and that all will be ironed out. I'm remaining positive. Yesterday I received an e-mail from our Brazil specialist and today she called and left a message. I have to be honest -- I'm not that much in the mood for any bad news and so I haven't listened to her message yet or returned her e-mail. I will though figure things out in the morning and report back soon.

As always, remember to ask God to connect us somehow, some way. To the connectivity regard, I've been thinking that I might come to you both. Volunteer a few months out of my life, dossier in hand -- I'll write more about that when I figure out if I could actually do it. I've always got something up my sleeve, always a plan B.

xxxMiuto Miuto AMOR --
Mommy

US/Brazil Consulate Meeting

Oi Bebes,

I received the following e-mail this afternoon:

Good Afternoon!

I am sorry to inform you that the meeting yesterday at the US Consulate
was cancelled. All we know at this point is that they are in the
process of rescheduling.

Once a new date has been confirmed, I will let everyone know.

As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Kathy,
Brazil Coordinator

I'm upset and I'm pissed off. I don't know what to say or think.

Back in June when we had some other set backs I told you guys to keep in mind that His timing is perfect and now on a daily basis I have to remember that, and believe me I'm struggling with it. I know things will work out the way they're intended, the way they're supposed to work out. I keep on telling myself that.

I look back at this whole blog and I think, wow, some of the things I wrote months ago perhaps were meant to prepare me for today -- life is for learning, all great things in your life you have to fight for, and a family is what you make of it.

Whatever it takes bebes, whatever it takes.

Don't forget to ask God to connect us, talk to Him before you fall asleep, ask Him what's up and soon we'll find the answers.

xxxmuitomuitomuito AMOR
Mommy

Explanations and Honesty

Oi Bebes,

I know it has been a long time since I've written. I honestly don't even know where to begin at this point except to say that God's guiding us down some path we know nothing about but I know the outcome will be what is right for that time. I don't know if that makes any sense but I'll do my best to explain.

I do not want to get into the specifics but sometime in late July things started to go a bit haywire with the adoption process. From there on in prices have gone up (I didn't care about that though, I'm good at finding money when I need to) the requirements have changed and now, minutes ago I received an e-mail saying that the adoption process between Brazil and the United States has been temporarily suspended. A meeting to resolve certain issues regarding compliance with the Hague Convention on International Adoptions was to take place on September 11, 2008 and did not. It is rescheduled for October 22, 2008 but I am told it MAY NOT happen. This is not a good sign.

I know everything happens for a reason and I've been saying it all along. This is sooo hard for me to say but I've been thinking lately that maybe I should wait a bit, the economy is bad, my job is not particularly stable. And then I think, I can't wait, because you guys have waited too long. I've been completely torn.

Many monkey wrenches have been thrown into this process and I must wonder who's been tossing them my way. Is it God letting me know that perhaps right now it's not the right time for me, for us? Is He allowing this to happen because he has a better plan. I do believe with all my heart, really with all my heart, that that is the case. He's got a better plan for us. A safer plan, a more secure plan than I have. Maybe I needed this time, these monkey wrenches thrown into the mix so I don't go along too fast or without a net. Oh brother, I don't know what His plan is, I have no idea. One thing is for sure, I know that whatever the outcome it will be best for all of us.

So while I continue to wait I'll focus on scoping out base camp, don't think I forgot about that! I've been working very hard on that -- maybe it will be set up before you come, now that would be even better and maybe they'll be room for 5! Maybe it will be a house, but with the economy the way it is it might be a giant 4 season tent! Whatever it is it will be fun because we will be in it together. You'll fall asleep in my arms regardless.

I promise you this: Whatever happens I will never EVER stop coming for you. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'll do whatever it takes.

Muito Muito Muito Amor
Mommy

God Did Something Yesterday

Oi Bebes,

I felt God's hand at work yesterday. I was in panic mode, feeling sick to my stomach, anxiety ridden, wanted to bang my head against the wall and knock myself out so the feeling would just pass.

I begged God to do something for me, I asked and asked, and almost immediately, what I needed to happen happened. Clearly I asked for something I shouldn't have and God made it happen but since He's da bomb, that's all he did was make it happen. Nothing further and for that I am so grateful. It was like magic. It was as if God was saying "I absolutely hear you and will lend you a hand right now because you are in panic mode but know this is not my will nor my plan for you"

I know this might not make any sense to you but I wanted you to know about the power of God because it is something amazing. What I prayed for yesterday had no rhyme or reason, why I got it after so long was none other than the fact that God was hearing me loud and clear. Why nothing came of it was HIM protecting me ONCE again!

Soon He'll be protecting all of us under one roof. Please ask him as always to connect us and protect us while we wait.

Muito Muito Amor,
Mommy

Childhood Dreams...

Oi Bebes,

I know that our childhood dreams will be much different and I feel a bit selfish telling you about mine, but I will because while some were from very early on, most were born when I was your age. And so here they are:

To be free: when I was a kid I thought that to be free meant to run all over and not just inside the gate or down the road. Now I know it to be different. Freedom is a mindset. Sometimes though, one feels freer in different places.

To travel all over the world: Ever since I could remember I've always had a very strong wanderlust. All my life I've almost always wanted to be somewhere else. As an adult I don't regret it for one second. My wanderlust made me who I am and it's not over yet. These days though, I've realized that I don't have to go too far to feel it.

To help people: I don't know how to explain this one. I think it's something that you're born with. I can't remember a time when I didn't help someone in need. That goes for animals too. Now I'm lucky enough to have a career, which marries my love of education and my childhood dream to help people. I suppose life could be worse.

To adopt: yes, I have wanted to adopt since I was very, very young. Since the minute my mother explained the concept of adoption, I knew I would do it when I grew up. I've realized that my desire to adopt has freed me from the weight that most women carry on their shoulders... the biological clock. I never heard the tic tock tic tock of that clock. Not having a biological clock has allowed me to do so many things I wouldn't have done had I married early to start a family. I have enjoyed my life immensely thus far. I look forward to now enjoying it in a different way.

To write a novel: One night some years back I was sitting on the beach with a friend and we had a nice little fire going. I was reading him bits and pieces of Verso when I realized that it was a thinly veiled novel of some fantasy that I was holding on to for years. I hated that writing the book had become a monkey on my back and like all the monkey's I've had on back in the past, I shook it off. Into the fire. Years of typed pages and hand written notes burned. It was one the most liberating things I've ever done. A couple of years ago I found an old clipboard in the garage. On the clip-board was the first chapter. I cried. Not because it was gone but because of the awesome memories I have of that fantasy -- and then I realized, it wasn't really a fantasy after-all. Now I write for different reasons. When I was a kid I guess I thought that writers only wrote novels. I was wrong. Fact remains though, that I do write, just not fiction. Well, not yet anyway.

And there you have it. I'm living out my childhood dreams. And it's all connected. I've got the freedom to travel to get my kids and to write about it in my blog. Life is really good and it's all because of you, my yet unknown children.

Muito Muito Muito Amor e Beijas
Mommy

Hitting the Long Shot

Oi Bebes,

I've hit the long shot before and I'll hit it again. In the past few weeks some monkey wrenches have been thrown my way but what it comes down to in the long run is that I try harder, work more efficiently and get the job done any way I can. It's that simple and soon when I'm tucking you both in I'll look back and laugh at this mess. I'm sure of it and I PROMISE.

The one thing that I will strive to teach you is to be strong minded individuals who can have whatever they want when they put their minds to it. A brick wall stops only people who aren't strong enough to break it down, or smart enough to scale it.

As always, ask God to connect us, and protect us while we wait.

Muito Amor,
Mommy